#33 “You must learn to be jealous,” My dad said.

This is the last full week of January.

According to TIME, an estimated 80% of people fail to keep their New Year’s resolutions by February, and only 8% stick with them the entire year. The statistics are worse than I thought. Imagine that – most people cannot hold a personal commitment for more than 30 days. It’s terrible.

The big question is why?

Digging around on the internet revealed some obvious answers. For example, people set massive goals, but when the New Year’s fever wears off, the goals compete with everyday life. Of course, our daily routines are built on necessity – like taking children to school, going to work, paying off debts – and they are no match for the lofty ideals embellished in New Year’s resolutions.

Here’s another argument for why New Year’s resolutions fail:

It seems for whatever reason, we eventually lose the motivation to pursue our goals. The question is, why do we not lose the motivation to do ordinary things, including bad habits that we should quit? Also, what are the 8% doing that the 92% are not doing?

When I was 18 years old, my late dad said, “You must learn to be jealous. You must be jealous!”

Jealous? Whew! Are you a jealous person? When last did you feel jealousy or envy? How would you describe the feeling? Is it a feeling you can turn into something positive? Well, I did some research.

Looking deeper, one realises that one’s envy is targeted towards specific things or the lives of specific people. This means studying one’s jealousy and envy reveals a fixed complexion of inner desires and quiet wishes to address the world in a certain way. Indeed, the world influences our desires. But thinking about it, one desires a specific array of things.

In other words, envy reveals what we subconsciously believe is missing in our lives. And when it boils within us, it serves as fuel to find the desired pieces and close the gaps. In my view, this is the cornerstone of drive and motivation; this is the essential ingredient missing in New Year’s resolutions – sustained jealousy.

This sounds traumatic, I know, but please bear with me. We are onto something.

For most people, envy is what sparks the New Year’s resolution, but that is where it usually ends. After professing one’s resolutions to the world, envy takes the back seat and becomes an evil emotion, worthy of nothing more than suppression.

One can look at envy differently, however. Think of envy as a wildfire that starts at a moment’s notice. It is an instinctive emotion and we have no control over it. Like any other powerful emotion, it is a bridge between the inner and outer world. All we need to do is learn to harness its power.

This begs the next question: How do we harness the power of envy?

I developed an experiment that you can follow along. Firstly, get a piece of paper and a pen. Got it? Okay, let’s start:

→ STEP 1: Write a list of bullets, starting with, “I envy…” Write all your envies whether at work, personal life, in relationships, spiritually, sexually, anything… Don’t worry, no one will see your list (unless you share it). Write your darkest fantasies too. You will be surprised at how they reveal profound insights about what’s going on inside our minds.

Now, pause. Are you done with step 1? Okay, proceed.

→ STEP 2: After examining the list. Turn the paper around and write, “B.S.” at the top – nice and big letters. Of course, B.S stands for Belief Systems… hahaha

Based on the envy list, write a list of your beliefs about the world and yourself. Example: I wrote, “The path to success is paved with hardship and pain.” (This came from realising that I watch many war movies and envy the hero who triumphs after catching bullets, facing death and slaying villains.)

Again, pause. Complete the exercise and then proceed.

→ STEP 3: Assess your list of beliefs and look for all the Bullshit. Yes, that’s actually why we wrote B.S at the top. Next to each B.S., rewrite the point in a productive and positive frame. Realise that a lot of what we believe was unwittingly accepted into our subconscious because things happened to us as children or some time in the past.

Example: I realised that I had a hero syndrome, and at times felt compelled to “save people” by taking on their problems. This came from a lot of hardship and suffering I saw and experienced as a child. Hence, my path to success was bedevilled by hardship.

The problem with this frame is that I looked for problems. Even when a solution was right under my nose – under the hardship frame – I ignored it because that was not my association with the path to success. Therefore, I inadvertently created what I was looking for.

In my case, I reframed the B.S. point from “the path to success is paved with hardship and pain” to “Success is a result of preparation, deep learning, productive work and taking counsel from people who have travelled the journey.” Notice how I ditched the whole “hardship talk…”?

Now it’s your turn. Pick a few of your B.S. points and reframe them into Belief Systems that reflect good values, grounded in open-mindedness and productivity.

→ STEP 4: Collect all your new Belief System Points and re-write them on a clean sheet of paper. Now you have two sheets of paper. The first one is written on both sides; this new one only has a list of your fresh belief systems on one page.

Go through them and reflect on what they mean. Notice that they are still anchored on what you envy or desire, but the negative energy has dissipated. They are no longer joulousy, but sources of guidance and inspiration.

→ STEP 5: Now, flip the second page around. Take your new belief systems and write them as a set of paragraphs, describing the person you want to become. Instead of writing goals, write as if you will read them in 20 or 30 years. Or better yet, write as if a close friend will read them as part of your obituary.

I know this sounds scary. But try the exercise. We are almost there – something special is about to happen. Take my word for it.

Embody a new way of life

I wrote my obituary and shared it with my wife. Of course, she was shocked, possibly thinking I was suicidal or something – I don’t know. Then again, I doubt anything surprises her that much about me anymore.

I guess she was relieved when she saw that it was dated 2085, which is the year I will turn 100 years old. Mind you, bioengineers suspect that our generation (the millennials) might be the first to have a life expectancy of 100 years and more (as a norm). Therefore, it’s probably a good idea to plan for a long life.

Instead of a fixation on short-term goals like New Year’s resolutions – rather prepare a life-long commitment. Prepare something you will share with your friends, loved ones and colleagues. You do not have to call it an Obituary. You can call it a personal mission statement. Nevertheless, write something for the ages; something you would want to see etched on your tombstone.

By beginning with the end in mind, as Stephen Covey put it, we create north stars – guides that help us navigate the darkest midnights, which will certainly become part of our journey in life.

Credit to my mentors, friends and coaches

I learned the B.S. technique from Cobus Visser. He is the crazy guy (much crazier than I am) who introduced me to firewalking and coached me through some of the most challenging periods in my life. You can find his LinkedIn profile → here.

Mark Lamberti introduced me to Stephen Covey’s principle of beginning with the end in mind. Millions of people have read the book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but I have never seen someone embody its lessons as intently as Mark. You can find his article, “Please, Not Another New Year’s Resolution!” here → LinkedIn Article – he writes beautifully as well.

I combined these techniques and shared them as a testament to their effectiveness. I hope you worked through the exercise above and share your obituary or mission statement with a confidant who will hold you accountable to its principles and values.

It’s not about New Year’s resolutions. It’s about adopting a new mode of being.

Until next week.
Vusi

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